Reflexion Connexion

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. . . the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. Now therefore take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and offer up a burn offering for yourselves. And my servant Job shall pray for you, for I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” [Then Job’s friends did what] the LORD had told them, and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. Job 42:7-10

Intro: I lost two companions this month

I did not know them personally, so I can’t say they were my “friends”
– I’ve known them only through their writings
• when I became interested in contemplative prayer, Thich Nhat Hanh introduced me to mindful meditation
• Jim Forest, an Orthodox Christian writer, helped to broaden my spiritual growth, and enhanced my understanding of icons
◦ these men knew, respected, and appreciated each other – they were friends
◦ so I enjoy their friendship vicariously
– the theme of my talks is intimacy, and today I will go over intimacy between close friends
• I can only share a few ideas
• a thorough exploration of friendship would require a whole series of talks in itself

Job had three friends who were close–at first
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place . . . . They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and the tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for the saw that his suffering was very great. Job 2:11-13

So far, so good
– sometimes the best way to comfort someone in grief is to just be present
• stunned and empathic silence can provide more comfort that empty words
• in fact, they would have done better to remain silent
(later on, Job will say as much:
Oh that you would keep silent,
and it would be your wisdom! Job 13:5)

But when Job began to talk, they panicked
– his speech was dark and hopeless
• and it threatened their whole notion of reality and God
◦ the dogma that people believed and on which they staked their lives,
◦ was that good people get the good things of life, and bad people get the bad things
• Job’s experience and his bitter complaints contradicted their worldview and sense of justice
◦ here he was, a good and righteous man, suffering the fate of the wicked
– the fear Job’s friends felt turned to anger quickly
• in his second speech he warned his friends,
He who withholds kindness from a friend
forsakes the fear of the Almighty (Job 6:14)
and later on, My friends scorn me (Job 16:20)
◦ Job will call them
worthless physicians (Job 13:4) and miserable comforters (Job 16:2)
◦ he will complain and cry out,
All my intimate friends abhor me,
those whom I loved have turned against me. . . .
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends
for the hand of God has touched me! (Job 19:19 and 21)

When we reach the end of Job’s story, God reconciles him to his friends
– what happens in the passage I read earlier surprises me
• God assumes the roll of mediator – he tells them how to repair their relationship
◦ even with wealth and livestock, Job was not fully restored until he had his friends back
• the process of reconciliation included a sacred ritual and prayer
◦ their friendship was for God a serious concern
◦ serious enough for him to intervene personally
– before now, did you know this?
• that friendship not only involves us physically and psychologically, but also spiritually?
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift (Mt. 5:23-24)

Nowadays, when we use the word friend, we have to qualify it

Someone is a “close” friend, or “true,” or “good,” or “casual”
– sometimes the qualifier expresses doubt, as with a “supposed friend”
• the reason for this may be that we do not know what “friend” means
– Facebook has made a mess of the concept of friend
• it keeps offering me total strangers as “friend” suggestions
◦ as if friends of my friends can become my friends also with a simple click
◦ no one has one thousand “friends”!
• to “unfriend” someone is a terrible way to describe a preference
◦ when all you want is to stop your newsfeed from being filled with political rants or photos of kittens

We can get a general idea of what friend means from the Proverbs

The wise sage tells us,
A friend loves at all times (Pr. 17:17) EVEN ON YOUR WORST DAYS
A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother (Pr. 18:24)
– conversations with a friend lift our spirits
Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel (Pr. 27:9)
• even a friend’s brutal honesty is valuable
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy (Pr. 27:6)
• you can trust a friend with your worst secrets
Whoever covers an offense seeks love,
but he who repeats a matter separates close friends (Pr. 17:9)

Intimacy with a friend is built on trust and safety

That is because, in order to get close, we have to “reveal” our inner self
– not everything, but specific things
• for instance, in order for what we feel and experience make sense to our friend
• if my friend is going to understand me, he or she will have to know me,
◦ to know me, I have to reveal parts of myself
– that is one side of the coin – the other side is discovery
• our friend reveals a hidden inner self, and we begin to discover who this person is
◦ in reality, there are two discoveries friends make
◦ I discover what my friend reveals, but I also discover parts of myself
Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another. . . .
As in water face reflects face,
so the heart of man reflects the man (Pr. 27:17 & 19)
• friends share things that wake us up to what lies inside our own hearts
Olivier Clement, “Spiritual progress has no other test in the end, nor any better expression, than our ability to love. It has to be unselfish love founded on respect . . . a disinterested affection that does not ask to be paid in return, a ‘sympathy’, indeed an ‘empathy’ that takes us out of ourselves enabling us to ‘feel with’ the other person . . . . It gives us the ability to discover in the other person an inward nature as mysterious and deep as our own, but different and willed to be so by God.”

The reveal part of friendship will always be a challenge, a risk
– and it can be scary – “Did I say too much?!”
• but in close friendships, being vulnerable is not as uncomfortable
◦ we know that all can be forgiven
• but some of us get stuck – we identify too much with our “old self”
◦ with its guilt and shame – it’s ugly past and ugly impulses
◦ we fear that if we’re seen for what we are, we will be rejected
– the blessing vulnerability brings, is that it frees you to be yourself
• you don’t have to modify yourself to be accepted
• intimacy in friendship requires integrity at every turn
◦ If I’m going to be known, it has to be for who I am — all my integrated parts
◦ but friends also appreciate the fact that we are in a state of “becoming”

We cannot force a friendship

We may see someone or meet someone we would like for a friend
– so we reach out to that person – but that’s as far as we can go
• if you are coerced into spending time with someone,
◦ that person is not a true friend
• we’ve been told to choose our friends wisely
◦ but I don’t know that we choose our friends
◦ I think we just find each other somehow
and at beginning, you can’t predict where it will go
– everyone who has had friends makes mistakes
• one mistake: you try to befriend a person incapable of being a true friend
◦ someone with a personality disorder, like a narcissist
◦ that person simply cannot be there for you
• another mistake: you have a close relationship, but
◦ the other person has a bad influence on you (2 Sam. 13:3)
◦ or we have a bad influence on each other — a wicked chemistry
C. S. Lewis, “. . . the dangers are perfectly real. Friendship can be a school of virtue . . .; but also a school of vice . . . . It is ambivalent. It makes good men better and bad men worse.”

Friends do not grill each other for personal information
– they don’t ask for confessions or pry into secrets
• we talk about our mutual interests – whatever we both love
• this is the essence of Christian friendship; God is our first and greatest love
– don’t trust the person who pries or spies
And when one comes to see me, he utters empty words,
while his heart gathers iniquity;
when he goes out, he tells it abroad (Ps. 41:6)

One of the deepest wounds we can suffer is a friend’s betrayal

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God’s house we walked in the throng. . . .
My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;
he violated his covenant (Psa. 55:12-14 & 20)
– friendship is a covenant, a sacred bond
• the two of you do not have to cut your hand, drip blood on a rock, and bury it in the earth
(like my friend and I did when we were eleven years old)
◦ it is still a covenant, a shared understanding and agreement
Even my close friend in whom I trusted,
who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me (Ps. 41:9)
• John says this verse was fulfilled in Judas (Jn. 13:18)
◦ and when Judas approached Jesus in the garden to kiss him, the Lord said,
“Friend, do what you came to do” (Mt. 26:50)
◦ Jesus had already forgiven him

Jesus told a parable about laborers in the marketplace, hoping to get hired. The owner of a vineyard came and made an agreement with them to pay them a days wages for working his vineyard. Around noon he found other laborers and sent them into his vineyard to work it. An hour before quitting time, he sent other laborers into his vineyard. When at the end of the day, when he paid the laborers, he began with those who arrived last and paid them the same amount that he paid those who worked half a day and those who worked the entire day. Naturally, those who spent the whole day working complained that this was unfair. But when the owner justified his actions, he began by saying, Friend, I am doing you no wrong (Mt. 20:13-15).
Referring to the laborer as his “friend” was an invitation. The laborer could stand side-by-side with the owner and with the right attitude, share his generosity. It was an invitation to form an alliance, to do good together, to board the Jesus “friend ship” and sail with God

Conclusion: This has been for me a week of surprises

Walking our dog Kona on Tuesday, I ran into a friend I had not seen in several years
It was a wonderfully joyful moment,
and we arranged to spend time the next day to catch up

Later in the week I received a message from a roommate of mine from fifty years ago
He was stationed in 29 Palms, and I was there planting a church
His message read, “You have been in my thoughts and trust all is well. How are you doing?”
Later, I noticed that he sent the same message to another friend from our church there,
and then later I noticed he sent it to yet another
We are all still friends who have loved each other all these years

Then, Friday, I received text from a friend who lives far away
She asked, “When can we chat?”
So last night we were on the phone for two or three hours.
Each of these encounters brought rich blessings

We miss out on so much love by not staying in touch
God cares about friendship – so he helps us reconcile and repair them when they rupture
Then, finally, there is Jesus Christ, A friend of sinners
Not an imaginary friend, but the true Friend, our best Friend,
Always forgiving, always faithful,
and if Jesus were the only friend I had, he would be enough

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O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD
from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 131

Intro: When we read the Psalms, we are in the realm of sacred poetry

Poetry begins in the heart and it speaks to the heart
– we can analyze a poem – take it into the lab and dissect it
• but if we go too far, we kill the specimen
• in our first encounter with a poem we need to hear it–that’s all
◦ listen to the music of its rhythm
◦ feel the effect of its words and images
– what I feel in this poem is contentment
• here is a poet who accepts himself as he is
my heart is not lifted up
◦ in the Old Testament, a heart lifted up is conceited, full of itself
my eyes are not raised too high
◦ eyes looking downward is a gesture of humility
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me
• he does not grasp at things beyond his reach
◦ this reminds me of a classic Eastwood line,
“A man’s got to know his limitations”

Rather than striving for greater status, more things, or being agitated with his circumstances,
– the poet has calmed his anxious and troubled soul
• wanting to communicate his heart,
• he looked for a metaphor to illustrate his restful state
– a “weaned child” is not a nursing child and is not on his mother’s lap to feed,
• but to receive love, soothing, reassurance
◦ the picture is well-chosen
◦ the mother’s arms and voice are enough
• the psalm ends, “O Israel, hope in the LORD”
◦ my soul cannot find rest if it has no hope
◦ it’s a lovely poem – and a challenge to us in our frenetic times
Charles Spurgeon, “It is one of the shortest psalms to read, but one of the longest to learn.”

It turns out, the psalmist was onto something

Only recently have psychologist come to appreciate it
– typically, the mother is the primary source of the infant’s sense of security and safety
• two names stand out in the early stages of research into mother-child bonding
◦ British psychologist, John Bowlby and Canadian psychologist, Mary Ainsworth
• Bowlby introduced the concept of “attachment theory”
◦ research indicated babies come into the world hardwired for connection
◦ how well they bond with others depends on their bond with the mother
Bowlby, “Initially the only means of communication between infant and mother is through emotional expression and its accompanying behavior. Although supplemented later by speech, emotionally mediated communication nonetheless persists as a principal feature of intimate relationships throughout life.”
A “secure attachment” is one “in which the individual is confident that his parent (or parent figure) will be available, responsive, and helpful should he encounter adverse or frightening situations.”
◦ what enables a mother to provide a secure attachment?
Bowlby, “. . . it is necessary also to consider what has led a mother to adopt the style of mothering she does. One major influence on this is the amount of emotional support, or lack of it, she herself is receiving at the time. Another is the form of mothering that she herself received when a child.”
• initially, Bowlby concluded that there were two “attachment styles”:
◦ “secure” and “insecure
– Mary Ainsworth, however, extended his research
• she devised a way to test a child’s attachment to mother
◦ by close observation of a toddler in a variety of different situations
◦ this was dubbed, “The Strange Experiment”
• she discovered two forms of insecure attachment:
◦ “insecure avoidant” and “insecure anxious/resistant”
◦ later research identified a third–“insecure disorganized”

Research was advanced in 1970’s by filming infant and toddler behavior
– then slowly analyzing the films frame by frame and noting vocalizations, body language and facial expression
Colwyn Trevarthen, “through detailed analysis of timing and expression [researchers were] able to show that infants are actually born with playful intentions and sensitivity to the rhythms and expressive modulations of a mother’s talk and her visible expressions and touches.”
• later on, advanced imaging technology allowed them to observe the living brain in action
• in this way they were able to discover what structures in the brain were activated during bonding exercises
Trevarthen, “We now know that there are widespread events in both cortical and subcortical regions of the brain that are specific to emotions and intentions, and that these animate the acquisition of conceptual knowledge or motor skills. . . . [These structures of the brain] involved in both making and recognizing coordinated patterns of facial and vocal expressions, including those that will eventually produce and receive language, are already specialized for these functions in a 2-month-old infant.”

Are you wondering, “Where is Chuck going with this?”

We learn intimacy through our family, beginning at our birth
– what does knowing this do for you and I today?
• first: it gives us a way to understand our own intimacy skills
◦ what do we know about being intimate with another?
◦ what was our experience? what were our examples like?
◦ how well developed are our skills?
• second: it suggests some basic skills for developing intimacy
◦ and perhaps healing for any damage done to our own bonding experience
– so, lesson one: “charity” really does “begin at home”

Is there a list of instructions we can follow?

We have to be careful when it comes to lists
– for instance, our “list” for an intimate marriage may include:
• commitment: but what if a woman endangers herself and children because she refuses to divorce an abusive husband
• communication: but here is an educated couple who are very articulate when they pour contempt on each other
• compassion: but one person treats their spouse in a condescending way – with pity, as if talking to a child
• communication itself is not what makes for intimacy
◦ what counts is the nature and quality of the couple’s interaction
– another concern:
• using a list to demand specific performance from the other spouse
• the most commonly abusive example is men telling their wives they must “submit”

Everything that can be said regarding intimacy needs to be qualified
– it also has to be adapted to a family’s various personalities

We need to think about an environment that fosters family intimacy

Trust – we can rely on each other
Safety – no one is going to be harmed; physically, verbally, or emotionally
Acceptance – for who I am and what I am not
Mutual understanding – sincere listening to each other
Healthy honesty – we do not have to share everything
Empathic – we feel for and with each other; we feel what the other person feels

We need to think about behavior that fosters family intimacy

Involvement – each person is emotionally present and engaged
Attention – not 100% of time, but definitely when someone needs it
Affirmation – you not only exist, but you know your existence is special
Affection – we need touch; our bodies need it as well as our souls
– you know, Jesus did not have to touch every person he healed
Sensitivity – awareness of others’ attitude or body language
– our sensitivity is diminished by our own stress and anxiety
– we need to be aware of this
Responsive – you get serious feedback from others
Conversations – that get to the core of our emotional needs and wants
Mercy – forgiveness is always available
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Mt. 18:21-22)

We need to think about what blocks intimacy

Negative patterns of interaction – family “habits”
Lies – we can always work with the truth, even if painful
Judgment – if I as a person am condemned, labeled, shamed I will not seek intimacy with those who do these things to me
– or I may feel incapacitated by the judgment of others
Apathy – not trying or not caring
Abusive speech or actions
Neglect – if we don’t bother with each other, don’t listen — a passive form of abuse

Conclusion: Every positive thing mentioned above is true of Jesus

And this really is the point
We love, because we were first loved (1 Jn. 4:19)
Scripture also tells us, “God is love” (1 Jn. 4:8)
God has built into us a need for love and the capacity to love
The pursuit of intimacy is our path of spiritual development
– spiritual growth and an ever truer, deeper love for others are not different paths, but the are one and the same
If we do not want to seek intimacy for ourselves,
because don’t feel the need for it, or it’s too risky, or it requires too much work,
we must do it for the sake of others
Oivier Clements, “Spiritual progress has no other test in the end, nor any better expression, than our ability to love.”

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God 1 John 4:7

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So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. [Read Genesis 2:18-25]

Intro: Awhile back I read The Healing Power of Emotion

An anthology of essays written by specialists in the fields of neuroscience and applied psychology
– afterward, I read several books by the authors of those essays
• one author was Sue Johnson, who pioneered Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
◦ in Hold Me Tight, she explains research behind EFT and provides lots of examples of how it works in therapy
• it turned out that Johnson has a Christian friend, Ken Sanderfer, who is also a therapist
◦ he suggested that she write a book specifically for Christians
Sue Johnson, “This made perfect sense. As Kenny and I placed the science of EFT alongside the ancient wisdom of the Christian Scriptures, clear and consistent parallels between EFT and biblical teachings about divine love and God’s teachings about human love leapt out at us.”
– I read that book too – Created for Connection
• and that brings me to the point of why I have told you all of this
◦ I am “borrowing” the title of her book for my next few
Ken Sanderfer, “I don’t believe the Bible was ever intended to be a marriage book, but it is a beautiful love story—a story about a God in pursuit of His bride. We are the bride of Christ. God created us to have a relationship with Him and with others. . . . Our relationship with God is essential to how we connect with others, and our view of God is influenced by our lifelong interactions with others.”
• we will consider our close relationships in the light of the Scriptures
◦ we’ll work our way through our various friendships towards intimate closeness with God

Today I’ll share a few random thoughts about intimacy

In story of Adam and Eve we’re given an ideal model of intimacy
– the man holds fast to his wife and they become one flesh
• Hebrew word for hold fast means also cling to, stick to, and joined
◦ a bond is formed that holds them together

In one of my factory jobs, a pro told me that in using glue the strongest bond is when glue is applied to the two surfaces that are to be joined. If the glue penetrates the surface, the two parts adhere so well that it is like they have become one piece instead of two.

• later on, in the law of Moses, provision is made for breaking that intimate marriage bond
◦ Jesus had an explanation for that stipulation
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” (Mt. 19:3-8)
– every other living organism, God made using soil
• not the woman–she was made of existing human stuff
◦ so the man and woman share a shared existence and a unique closeness
◦ they are capable of an intimacy unknown in any other relationship
• one of Christianity’s earliest and most powerful thinkers was Origen
◦ he saw an analogy in Eve coming from Adam’s wounded side
Origen, “From the wound in Christ’s side has come forth the Church, and he has made her his Bride.”
◦ through the cross, we are remade, and from same stuff as Jesus

Although marital intimacy is unique, we can find closeness in other relationships

But what does that mean?
– are you close to a particular relative? an aunt? a cousin? a sibling?
• do you have a close friend? Or a closest friend?
• how did that closeness develop?
◦ perhaps it has a lot of the many experiences you have shared together
– some therapists talk about “building” an intimate relationship
• but for some of us, it has more to do with removing obstacles, including:
◦ if we never experienced closeness as an infant or child
◦ other past experiences of betrayal and broken trust
◦ if we’ve attempted closeness with someone who was incapable of it
(a narcissist can fake intimacy, but cannot sustain or live it)
◦ if we are insecure in relationships or never feel safe

Intimacy is always a gift – one that some people are unable or unwilling to give
– it is the gift of oneself – a sharing of who I am with another person
• in this sharing, all the parts of oneself come into play
• this doesn’t mean we share everything
◦ but there is not much that we leave hidden or covered
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed
– closeness is the natural trajectory of redeemed human relationships
• that doesn’t mean it is easy
◦ and ir doesn’t mean we find it automatically among “Christians”
◦ we’re all human and we all struggle
• but as a new creation, we live in God’s love
God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us . . . . We love because he first loved us (1 Jn. 4:16-19)
◦ God shares with us his own loving energy
◦ so we are to be merciful because he is merciful, we are to forgive because he forgave us
we are to abide in his love

Closeness with another person requires us to face our brokenness

There are two things I want to say about this
– the first, is that we will inevitably reveal our brokenness
• if you cannot apologize for the wrong you do,
◦ you cannot maintain a close relationship — not even with your child
◦ the same is true if you cannot forgive
• it can be humiliating, in can be painful, it can seem impossible,
◦ but those broken parts will ruin a relationship if not acknowledged
◦ relationships can be repaired, and strongest tool for repairing them is forgiveness
So we must be prepared to both seek and give forgiveness
– the second thing, is that we cannot use our brokenness as an excuse
• it is an explanation for our struggle with particular issues,
◦ but once we’re aware of them,
◦ we have a responsibility to resolve and correct them
• some continue to fail, hurt, use, and abuse those who love them
◦ and then make excuse for their behavior rather than change it
◦ we need to be aware of the actions that integrate and of those that alienate

Some authors talk about the dance of intimacy

Here are two people: person ‘A’ and person ‘B’
– ‘A’ says or does something and it immediately affects ‘B’
• ‘B’ responds, or reacts, or does nothing–neither responds nor reacts
• that affects ‘A’, who then responds to ‘B’, etcetera
– in their interaction, they have an ongoing impact on each other
• awareness of that impact may be as important as the content of their communication

We need to learn the steps of this dance
– they will be slightly different with one person than with another
• we must know each dance partner well enough to perfect those steps
– dance steps that are fairly common include:
• empathy – we’ve talked a lot about this
• vulnerability – we have to be able to take what we hear
• humility – our imperfections
• emotional control – not “tight” control, but the ability to calm ourselves

It turns out that sharing our emotions is a critical factor in developing intimacy
Dan Hughes, “Through the communication of emotions, we create an opening that makes our own inner life clear to the other person. [Emotional] communication–when expressed in a reactive manner–often leads to attacks on both the other and the self. Similarly, [emotional] communication–when continuously avoided–often leads to increased isolation and loneliness rather than emotional intimacy.”
“. . . when we are able to successfully share our emotional experience with a trusted other, we are better able to regulate these emotions because the other is not being experienced as if he or she had been there with us in the event.”
– who we are is revealed when read by others in the story of our lives
• the experience and expression of emotions is central to our story
• they are the inner energy of the plot – of our decisions, actions, or inaction
◦ they reveal important elements of the story
◦ they shape our story, and they have been shaped by our story
– sharing our emotions helps others to read and know our story

Conclusion: I think most will agree,

Christianity in the United States is currently in a crisis state
– it is seriously fractured and needs a time of healing and repair
• Maximus the Theologian: was a seventh century Christian monk
He said, “Only love overcomes the fragmentation of human nature.”

Henri Nouwen, after enjoying a flourishing career in the U.S. returned to a divided church in Holland
Nouwen, “Who is to blame? I often wonder where I would be today if I had been part of the great turmoil of the Dutch Church during the last decades. Blaming is not the issue. What is important is to find the anger-free parts in people’s hearts where God’s love can be heard and received.”
We need to hear this! “Blaming is not the issue”
And, we need to find in our hearts “the anger-free parts”
so that we can experience the loving bond of Christian community
and then share it with the world

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When he was at table with them, he took the bread and blessed and broke it and gave it to them. And their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And he vanished from their sight. They said to each other, “Did not our hearts burn within us while he talked to us on the road, while he opened to us the Scriptures?”
And they rose that same hour and returned to Jerusalem. And they found the eleven and those who were with them gathered together, saying, “The Lord has risen indeed, and has appeared to Simon!” Then they told what had happened on the road, and how he was known to them in the breaking of the bread. Luke 24:28-35

Intro: Years ago, I saw a news clip featuring Salvador Dali

The flamboyant surrealist artist, with his trademark handlebar mustache,
– he was famous for his painted landscapes with melting watches
• he had alerted the press that he was working on another masterpiece
◦ and he was going to complete it in front of a live audience
• the day came, and a crowd gathered and the cameras were rolling
– Dali arrived with his usual air of self-importance
• he dabbed his brush in a smudge of white paint,
◦ climbed a step-ladder, and with theatrical flourish,
◦ added to the portrait of a woman, a dot on the pupil of eye
• that was it – the painting was finished

Artists, whatever their craft, know the importance of detail
– Luke was that kind of storyteller
• he includes details not found in any other gospel
• for instance, when Jesus was on trial and Peter was in the courtyard denying that he knew him
◦ the third time Peter said, “I don’t have anything to do with him”
◦ Luke says, And the Lord turned and looked at Peter (Lk. 22:61)
– we can feel the intense emotion of that visual connection,
• even if we don’t know how to read it
◦ was it about Peter? Did it intensify the impact of what he felt?
◦ or was it about Jesus, perhaps communicating something to Peter with his eyes
“See, I told you so; I told you that you would deny me”
or more likely,
“Don’t give up, Peter. I understand. I still love you. I haven’t given up on you”
• whatever that glance meant, Peter and Jesus were connected

There are little details that enhance our story

The one I want us to think about is this:
Then they told what had happened on the road and how he was known to them in the breaking of the bread

These two anonymous disciples reflect our spiritual community

Our lives are bound together by the same pursuit
– we are not driven to live as comfortably as possible
• we know that we’ve been called to a spiritual journey
• seeing that we’re all going the same direction,
◦ we meet up so we can walk together
– Jesus also walks with us
• although we don’t always recognize his presence
• what we do recognize is that mystery plays major role in journey
◦ Jesus taught the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven in parables (Mt. 13:11)
◦ Paul mentions mystery repeatedly in his letters
the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints . . . which is Christ in you, the hope of glory (Col. 1:26-27) and, For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3)

We are surrounded by mysteries – they live behind everything
– they are like those hidden-object puzzles,
• we cannot see them with our normal vision, even if we try
◦ but they do reveal themselves to faith
• every day we pass through mysteries and don’t know it
– mystery is an inner voice, an intuitive voice
• and it speaks very quietly – intuition makes only a whisper
• we need to be quiet to hear it
Olivier Clements, “We not only listen to the words of Jesus but we welcome his silence into our hearts, the mysterious presence of the Father and of the Spirit.”
Ignatius of Antioch, (lived in the second century and was a church leader in the city where believers were first called Christians) “It is better to keep silent and to be, rather than to speak but not be.”
– we are not accustomed to silence
• if not from all the noise of machines and broadcast media,
• then from the noise inside out own heads
◦ anger is very noisy – so is fear – and so is grief
◦ these two disciples were grieving

I will admit, I don’t always enjoy how biblical stories unfold

Precisely at the moment the two disciples recognized Jesus,
he vanished from their sight
– to me, this doesn’t feel right – this is not the place to interrupt story
• of course, a story well-told is always suspenseful
• only, in real life we don’t like suspense
– at any rate, the two disciples are up and on the road again
And they rose that same hour and returned to Jerusalem
• I think they left Jerusalem, because they believed the Jesus movement was over
◦ they thought he was Messiah, but that hope died on cross
• now that their hope has been resurrected, they head back to the epicenter

This is so much like our spiritual journey
– it does not move in a straight line to heaven
• sometimes we backtrack
◦ we’re taken back to something we had already learned
• sometimes it seems we are going in circles, until God says,
You have circled this mountain long enough. Turn northward (Deut. 2:3-4)
– their journey is our journey
• Jesus has vanished from our sight
• yet we have to travel on
– how did they do it?
• how did they continue on their journey without seeing him?
• what did they have now that he wasn’t there for them to follow?
◦ what did they have to support them? to sustain them?

Here is what I find in this story

They had an encounter with Jesus that left a permanent impression
– Paul never tired of telling the story of his first encounter
• it is good for us to remember our first experience of Jesus
◦ our first discoveries and our first love
• it reminds us of what set us on this journey

They had a new connection with, and understanding of the Scriptures
. . . beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself (v. 27)
Did not our hearts burn within us while he opened to us the Scriptures? (v. 32)
– later, after they had joined the others, Jesus told them,
. . . everything written about me in the Law of Moses and the Prophets and the Psalms must be fulfilled. Then he opened their minds to understand the Scriptures (vv. 44-45)
• the Scriptures can burn like a fire in our hearts too
Olivier Clements said, regarding “contemplative reading”:
“It happens that while listening to the Word the heart is touched by a particular saying and set on fire. Then one must stop and let the fire spread quietly.”
• we just have to be there long enough or enough times for this to begin to happen
◦ we keep going back to scripture
◦ we strike the flint until sparks fly and create a flame

They had each other and the other disciples
– it is extremely helpful to have one very close Christian friend
– an entire spiritual community is a necessity
• we are here for each other
• we are here for you

They had the breaking of the bread – the Communion meal
– the Last Supper became the first Lord’s Supper
• this is a visible facet of the mystery
• this is where their eyes were opened, where they became aware of Jesus’ presence
– if you look at Christian writing through history,
• every saint, every mystic, every spiritual theologian
• found in Communion a consistent experience of encounter with God in Christ
◦ the visible facet (bread and wine) of the mystery becomes a bridge to the invisible reality

Conclusion: When I read Bible, I sometimes forget how it works

My mind tells me I must hunt down a significant insight latent in the text
– then I have to work at developing it into a profound thought,
• a devotional encouragement, a warm feeling
• but all I do is waste my time
I do not have to come up with anything–profound or otherwise
I do not have to produce grace – I receive it
I cup my hands and stretch them our to my Father
I receive forgiveness, I receive help, I receive love
From God’s hand we receive Jesus
we receive him with the bread and the cup
And through Jesus, we receive everything

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Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold wise men from the east came to Jerusalem, saying, “Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” . . . After listening to the king, they went on their way. And behold, the star that they had seen when it rose went before them until it came to rest over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great goy. And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then opening their treasures, the offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh. And being warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they departed to their own country by another way. Matthew 2:1-12

Intro: Reading this old familiar story,

I am surprised by how little information we are actually given
– Matthew provides us bare details without embellishment
• we are not the first to recognize its streamlined quality
• over time, various storytellers added their own finishing touch
◦ it’s like an undecorated Christmas tree that looks too plain
◦ so tradition has added lots of ornaments
– for instance, we’ve been told there were three magi (the Bible does not say how many)
• some storytellers went so far as to give them names
◦ we imagine the magi came with a caravan of camels, voila! we have camels
◦ the magi are pictured in nativity scenes, though they arrived much later
• these decorations do not change the story,
◦ they are a poetic attempt to make it more visual

Three weeks ago, I told you these talks would not be profound
– that they would be more like meditations or reflections
• so today I will share some of my thoughts regarding the magi
• I chose them intentionally, because, as Matthew tells us,
◦ they arrived after Jesus was born in Bethlehem
◦ so this is a post-Christmas talk about the post-Christmas visit of the magi

My first thought: These Christmas guests lived worlds apart from shepherds

The shepherds were home-grown
– shepherding had deep roots in Israel’s history: both Jacob and Moses at one time were shepherds
• of course, the shepherd par excellence was David–also from Bethlehem
• it seems right that the first to hear of Jesus’ birth would be shepherds
– the magi were foreigners
• the Greeks used “magi” to refer to Persian priests (in the service of kings)
◦ they access to supernatural knowledge for divination dream interpretation
◦ magi is also used of Babylonian astrologers
• the magi not merely foreigners, but they represented nations that had conquered Israel
◦ nations where the Jewish people had been held in exile

The shepherds belonged to the lowest class in Israel
Bruce Malina, “Although shepherds could be romanticized (as was King David), they were usually ranked with . . . tanners, sailors, butchers, camel drivers, and other despised occupations. Being away from home at night they were unable to protect their women and therefore were considered dishonorable. In addition, they often were considered thieves because they grazed their flocks on other people’s property.”
– magi, however, were a privileged class and honored as such
• they arrived in Jerusalem asking for directions,
◦ and were soon granted an audience with the king
• they had the world at their feet, whereas,
◦ shepherds were at the feet of the world

The shepherds received the announcement of Jesus’ birth from angels
– the magi were given a star
– both images are related to the heavens
• but they suggest very different connotations

Matthew and Luke tell two different stories
– each has to do with the message they intend to emphasize
• Matthew features the kingdom of heaven
◦ so he tells an episode that gives Jesus royal status
◦ note that the angel addresses Joseph as “son of [King] David” (Mt. 1:20)
• Luke’s concern is to present Jesus as liberator (Lk. 4:18-21)
◦ the champion of the poor, oppressed, and outcasts
– so Matthew and Luke chose the stories that best fit their purpose
• in comparing the two, I think it’s significant that
◦ the shepherds got to Jesus first – the magi arrived quite awhile later

Another thought: The magi are radically out of place in Jerusalem and Bethlehem

They were not descendants of Abraham and did not belong to the “chosen people”
– they were not Israelites – they had their own nationality
• when they left Bethlehem, they returned to their own country (v. 12)
• yet, seeing the star over Judea, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy
– then, when they saw Jesus, they fell down and worshiped him
• they bow before this two-year-old – WHY?
• he was not their king nor was he a world emperor
◦ what stake do they have in him?
◦ what the heck are they doing here?

Matthew is very careful to point out the fulfillment of scripture in the person of Jesus
– especially in the first few chapters
(e.g., verse 15, This was to fulfill what the Lord has spoken by the prophet . . .)
• but he does not provide a biblical equivalent for the magi
– perhaps he just wants to show us how big this event was
• much bigger than tiny Bethlehem
◦ bigger even than King Herod or all of Judah
• maybe he wants us to see that Jesus’ coming into the world deserves this kind of attention
◦ to get a perspective on how big the birth of Jesus was, consider this:
All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet:
“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall call his name Immanuel”
(which means, God with us) – Mt. 1:23-24

Another thought: What do we see in the faces around Christ child?

We see the disheveled poor and the manicured wealthy
– we see the very devout–like Simeon and Anna–
• and others who have known only foreign gods
– we see people with citizenship status
• and aliens who have crossed borders to see Jesus
– we see a multicultural mix of races and religions

None of these people were drawn to Jesus against their will
– they came to him, because whatever they had, it was not enough
• they came because their faith was cold and Jesus was fire
• they came because they were thirsty and Jesus is the fountain of living water
• they came because their religion was weak and Jesus is God with us
– they came to Jesus and he opened his arms to them

This is what the kingdom of God looks like
– though you have Jesus, you do not have him exclusively

When we come to Jesus, we’re recruited into kingdom of God
– where there is neither left nor right, resident or alien
For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for your are all one in Christ Jesus (Gal. 3:27-28)
– I fear for some Christians who assume their spot in heaven is guaranteed
• I am afraid that either they will not like heaven when they get there,
◦ because they will see all the people they’ve tried to keep out of their church, their country clubs, their nation
◦ or they will find themselves on the outside looking in
• this has happened to others who felt entitled to access to God’s kingdom
In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God but you yourselves cast out. And people will come from east and west, and from north and south, and recline at table in the kingdom of God (Lk. 13:28-29)

Conclusion: Before we put the magi back in their box until Christmas next year

I have one other thought
– our last look at the magi is when we watch them leave Bethlehem, and
they departed to their own country by another way
– I know Matthew meant they took a different route
• but I want to take liberties with that statement, by another way
• for instance, they were led to Bethlehem by a star, but led back home by a dream
– they left by another way, not only because of Herod, but also because of Jesus
• they came one way, but left another way
◦ they came the old way they had always been and left a new way of being in God
• when they got home, their country was the same, but they were not the same
This is how we know we have encountered Jesus,
when we leave another way; when we become a different person

Henri Nouwen, left his prosperous professions to work with adults with developmental disabilities
– he spent a year in preparation for this work, during which time he kept a journal
• then he set the journal aside after his first year working at Daybreak
• at that time he wrote and epilogue to his journal, which was then published
– I want to conclude this talk with quotes from his epilogue

“If, indeed, Jesus is the center of my life, I have to give him much time and attention. I especially want to pray the prayer of adoration in which I focus on his love, his compassion, and his mercy and not on my needs, my problems and my desires. . . . I want my life to be based on the reality of Jesus, and not on the unreality of my own fantasies, self-complaints, daydreams, and sand castles.”

“It is becoming increasingly clear to me that Jesus led me to where I never wanted to go, sustained me when I felt lost in the darkness of the night, and will guide me toward the day no longer followed by night. As I travel with Jesus, he continues to remind me that God’s heart is, indeed infinitely greater than my own.”

To: Yeshua, my step-son and the Light of my life.
My Dear Yeshua,

I write you this letter, because I am dying and I wanted to leave you a record of things you could not know. Your mother and I have kept these things from you, waiting until we thought you were ready. However, it seems that from a young age you already sensed who you are and the destiny that beckons you. Still, I believe you will appreciate knowing certain events surrounding your birth and early life.

I left off working an hour before sundown, the beginning of another Shabbat. Passing through the marketplace I overheard two women talking. I’m sure they raised their voices to make certain I could catch every word.
“She seemed like such a nice girl,” one of them said, with a voice that clucked like a chicken.
“Yes, and from a decent family,” said the other, whose face was round like an owl’s.
“She was supposed to marry the carpenter. Their parents had arranged everything. But it’s just so sad,” clucked the first woman.
“Yes, sad. Sad that she would ruin everything by getting herself pregnant.”

Yeshua, I hope you never experience such heartache and anger. Of course, I did not believe what they were saying, but I was compelled to run straight to your mother’s house. Your grandparents told me your mom had gone off to visit her cousin Elizabeth who was in need of a helper. I thought I would go insane if I did not get answers right then, so even though it was rude, I asked them straight-out, “Is it true? Is Mary pregnant?”

Their sad faces confirmed the worst. “Joseph,” your grandmother cried, “you must listen to us.” But I had already turned my back and was rushing home. I did not care that the sun had set, Shabbat had begun, and running at that hour was unlawful. My world imploded and everything around me was crashing.

I know it’s been hard for you at times; the looks people gave you in the synagogue or the teasing and taunting of other children. But now I will tell you one of the secrets I kept from you from you all these years.

Sleep that night seemed impossible. I cried and cussed and kicked furniture around my room. I laid awake, torturing myself with visions of your mother in the arms of another man. Perhaps exhausted from grief and rage, my body finally relaxed and I slept. But in my sleep I received a visitor. God sent an angel to me. These are his exact words:

“Joseph son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because the Child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Yeshua, because he will save his people from their sins.”

That’s right, an angel named you.

The next time I saw your mother, her eyes were filled with fear and pain. But before she could speak, I took her in my arms and said, “It’s alright, Mary. God sent an angel to me who explained everything.” That’s all I could say, because my throat grew tight when I felt your mother’s warm tears on my neck.

The trip to Bethlehem was very hard. We had to travel short distances and then rest. Your mother never complained, but she walked bent forward much of the time, and I hear an occasional groan. It was obvious that you were anxious to be born and you were not going to wait for us to settle somewhere comfy.

I was not happy about returning to Bethlehem. My family escaped that dirty, little village a few generations before I was born. We enjoyed the freer lifestyle up north, far away from the city of Jerusalem with it’s stupid politics and pompous hypocrites.

Yeshua, there was only one building in Bethlehem that you could call an inn, and it was crowded with people who got there before us. I went to taverns and even door to door hoping that someone would make room for us. Mary sat all day in the open square where visitors are usually greeted and offered hospitality. But there were too many guests and Bethlehem had no room for them all.

Oh, Yeshua, when a family is worn out and beaten down, even the smallest kindness seem like a priceless gift. I hope you always remember to be kind and good. I know that you will be true and righteous, but what people need more than anything is compassion.

A farmer had seen us on his way to the marketplace and when heading home he noticed we were still by the well. “What? No one has taken you in?” he asked. “Then come with me. you can at least spend a night in my stable.” His friendly voice lifted our spirits, and we thanked him over and over all the way to the stall in the field behind his house.

We had to duck our heads as we stepped inside. Then your mother grabbed my arm and said, “Joseph!” I could hear they urgency of her voice and she eased herself to the floor. Our host quickly drove the animals from the stable and called for his wife. She came running from the house and let out a yelp when she saw your mother tense and contracted on the ground.

I felt helpless and powerless. I took straw from the food trough and carried it outside for the livestock. Soon two or three other women from nearby homes were busy tending to your mother. Clay lamps were brought into the stall, because it was now dark. I stood in the doorway, ready to run and fetch anything they might need. But the women were calm and had everything under control. A short while later—well, there you were.

I had never been present for childbirth, so I thought something was wrong at first. Your face was red and all scrunched up. Your dark hair was flattened to your wet scalp. But the women were fussing over you—how perfect you were, how you had your mother’s eyes and your father’s strong hands. So I assumed you must be alright.

They bundled you warmly and let you nurse at your mother’s breast. It was not long before the two of you were fast asleep. Your mom, exhausted from traveling and travailing and you worn out from squirming your way into this world. I laid you in the food trough, then laid down beside your mother. I started a prayer for her and you, but drifted off into a deep sleep.

It was still early—long before the sun came up—when I was awakened by a blast of cold air. Your mother woke up and said, “Joseph?” There was someone standing in the doorway. “Who’s there?” I asked, and I tried to sound dangerous.

“Please”—it was a man’s voice—“is there a baby in here?”

Again Mary called my name, and she grabbed my hand in the dark. “Who are you?” I asked again. “What are you doing here?”
“We were sent by angels!”
“What?”
“We’ve seen angels and they sent us here.”

By now our host had come from the house with a torch. “You there,” he said. “What do you want?” The door closed and we could hear voices talking indistinctly outside. I struck a light and put on a lamp. You began crying, so your mother took you in her arms and soothed you with her voice and fingertips.

The door opened again and the guest let four scruffy-looking shepherds into the stable. “What are you doing?” I asked.

His face was serious. “You need to hear this,” he answered.

The shepherds were staring at you with these silly grins on their faces. Their eyes looked like alabaster illuminated by an inner joy.

The oldest shepherd spoke, “We saw angels,” he said. “First one, then a whole army of them. Their voices thundered in the hills and if our sheep had not been in the fold, they would have scattered in all directions. The angels sang, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.’”

A younger shepherd interrupted, “The first angel said he brought us good news that would make everyone very happy. He told us, ‘Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.’ That’s when he informed us that we would find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Isn’t that funny?”

Yeshua, your Father sent his angels to announce your birth. Nothing else about your birth was fancy. Everything was dirt-poor. There was nothing royal, dignified, beautiful or even cutesy about your delivery room. But your Father arranged a huge choir, greater than a Roman Legion, to announce to shepherds that you had come to earth.

And that is the secret I can keep no longer. I wish that I could live to see you begin your ministry. But God has different plans. I leave your mother in your care. Of course your step-brothers and sisters will help when they get a little older. By then you will be on your own.

But I tell you these things to confirm what you feel in your heart and what you have heard in your soul when you’ve walked the hills by yourself. I know that already you are close to God, and he meets you in your prayers. I know he has already told you things, though you’ve kept them from us. I trust your wisdom. But you need to know the miracles that surrounded your birth. you are human, like the rest of us. That is why you feel pain, and sadness, and humiliation. But you are also divine, the Son of God. And that is why you are Yeshua.

I would give you my blessing, but will save them for your brothers instead, because one day soon you will receive a blessing from heaven that will be greater than anything a step-father could give you.

Yeshua, I don’t pretend to know everything God has in store for you. I don’t know what joys you will experience or what pain you must suffer. Your face is still smooth and radiant with the light of youth and your eyes are clear and strong. But one day you will know the full burden of your destiny. When that day comes, be strong. Somehow you will save your people. Somehow you will bring hope to all the earth. Every broken heart, every sick body, every wayward person, every lost child will rejoice in your love and power.

The shepherds said such things. The magi said such things. The angels said such things. And I tell you such things. This is truth. The eyes of the world will be upon you—you who are God’s gift to the earth.

Take care, Yeshua. Know that I have loved you, and that in every way you have made me proud. Never forget that you are a miracle.

Your loving step-father,

Joseph